The Accusations

Have you ever been accused of something so horrible that it’s hard to fathom? I hope not because let me tell you that it’s an awful thing. Especially when the accusation is that you hurt your own child. What I’m accused of doing to my oldest son would imply that I hate him or don’t care about it. It also implies that I’m a very selfish and evil person. I’m many things but I’m far from being evil and selfish. I love my son. I love him so much that I felt inclined to speak the truth about him even though it hurt like hell. No mother should ever have to face it. No mother should ever have to make that decision.

My son and granddaughter’s mother asked me to take care of her while things were up in the air. She wasn’t emotionally stable given the circumstance and he was in county jail so they gave me temporary custody of the baby. This was after her mother unexpectedly asked me a couple of months earlier to take care of her while she figures things out. I was caught off guard but didn’t think twice about it. They needed my help and she’s my granddaughter and I needed to do my part to help them out. Plus, I knew that I could provide stability for her during the unsettling times. I had to put my empty nester plans on hold while I helped raise a baby. Diapers, daycare and other baby essentials became the norm for me. I was doing it all over again but it came naturally. It was tough but I made it work. I made financial sacrifices. I could not be selfish because they all needed me. Working an 8-9 hour a day job and then going home to take care of a baby was not how I envisioned my life as my youngest was graduating from high school and headed to college. I look and think back on it now and chuckle because I really did that for nine months. My mom would help me with the baby which was a godsend but our relationship was fragile given the situation with my son. Every now and then she would tell me how she felt and we wouldn’t speak for a few days but we would always eventually put our issues aside for the sake of the baby.

Hate is a harsh thing. To hate someone is to have a passionate dislike for them. Why would people accuse me of making up the allegations against my son so I could have my granddaughter? Is it hate? Am I hated that much that people would say such an awful thing about me? Perhaps it’s evilness. Evilness is one who is morally wrong and wicked. Do they think I’m evil? I wish I knew but I’m not going harp on it or stress myself out over it. I’m not in their heads and I don’t know their thought process. The accusations are absolutely ludicrous and disturbing. I can understand people being upset with me for not keeping my mouth shut about what my son did because there are many mothers and families who don’t say anything about sexual abuse, child molestation, lewd acts with a child, etc. But to accuse me of something so vile is pretty damn extreme. Never would I falsely accuse my adult child of the worse thing he could ever do to a person. Never.

I’m beyond hurt over the accusations. I’m still a little angry about it but life is too short to be angry about something you cannot control. People can believe it if they wan’t but I don’t lose sleep over what others think of me. I know what I have and have not done. I will own something when I’m wrong. I apologize when I mess up. I admit my faults and wrongdoings. God knows my heart. You cannot lie to God. He knows all.

The cover up

Why did I try to cover up what he did? Why did I turn my back on the child. This is why.

My cover-up lasted about five months. When someone would ask about him, I’d say he’s really busy at his new job. When someone would ask why he’s not in pictures with the baby, my response was always along the lines that he’s working or sleeping. When Easter rolled around, my mom wondered why he didn’t call them. He would call me on a regular basis and we wrote each letters. In one of his letters he said that he made a mistake and he will fix things. This is when our communication was amicable and before “they” got into his head.

He was denied bail and was facing fourteen charges.  The charges were ugly and the state where they resided has the toughest sex offender laws.  I couldn’t face the embarrassment or the judgment and I certainly didn’t want to break my parent’s heart. I continued to lie. I continued telling half truths. I wasn’t ready to admit to my family that I validated the girl’s story from that night.  I wasn’t ready to admit that I was interviewed by detectives, CPS, SVU and the DA’s office and told them all the same thing.  I told those officials what I witnessed that unforgettable evening.

When they discovered that he was in jail, I did something stupid and I’m ashamed to admit it. I want to puke as I’m thinking back to that time. I did not tell them the truth.  Instead, my story was that the girl “claimed” that he molested her. As expected, the family was upset. They were even more upset that the story wasn’t true. Remember, I withheld the truth and blamed it all on the step-daughter. So the speculations and opinions began. The girl was very flirtatious. The girl just wants attention. Maybe her mom is behind it. Whatever it was, I went right along with it. The longer I could keep them from the knowing the truth, the better (so I thought.) I was protecting him and in doing so, I put aside what really happened.  I made her come off as a liar when the liar was me.  I just couldn’t bring myself to admit it. By doing so, I think I caused more damage than good.

We discussed his legal options. We discussed an obtaining an attorney. How crazy is that? I did and said everything to go along with them. As I write this, the memories are coming back to me and I’m shaking my head in disbelief. How? Why? What was I thinking? I did research on the Internet trying to find the best defender given his charges. I contacted two law offices and obtained information such as retainer fees and what to expect at trial.  That sounds so ludicrous now because I was so far gone that I was going to get him an attorney even though I knew what he did. I did not retain an attorney for him as I was just sub consciously going through the motions. Shortly thereafter, he was granted bail so I contacted the detention center to get his bail info. I considered bailing him out which meant I would have to put my house up as collateral. But before any of that could happen, they found out the truth and everything changed.

My son broke my heart

Almost three years ago, I discovered the unthinkable. Something no mother should ever have to endure.  It’s an ugly truth that I wish would go away. It’s an ugly topic that most turn a blind eye to or sweep under the rug. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my son, the situation and the repercussions.  There are many questions as to why but many of them will remain unanswered. Not only because he won’t or cannot answer them but also because there’s no concrete or scientific answer or explanation. There are theories, studies, interviews and articles on the topic but each case is different. Each offender is different. But the outcome is the same; the sexual molestation or sexual abuse of a child. Characteristics Of Child Sexual Predators