The Accusations

Have you ever been accused of something so horrible that it’s hard to fathom? I hope not because let me tell you that it’s an awful thing. Especially when the accusation is that you hurt your own child. What I’m accused of doing to my oldest son would imply that I hate him or don’t care about it. It also implies that I’m a very selfish and evil person. I’m many things but I’m far from being evil and selfish. I love my son. I love him so much that I felt inclined to speak the truth about him even though it hurt like hell. No mother should ever have to face it. No mother should ever have to make that decision.

My son and granddaughter’s mother asked me to take care of her while things were up in the air. She wasn’t emotionally stable given the circumstance and he was in county jail so they gave me temporary custody of the baby. This was after her mother unexpectedly asked me a couple of months earlier to take care of her while she figures things out. I was caught off guard but didn’t think twice about it. They needed my help and she’s my granddaughter and I needed to do my part to help them out. Plus, I knew that I could provide stability for her during the unsettling times. I had to put my empty nester plans on hold while I helped raise a baby. Diapers, daycare and other baby essentials became the norm for me. I was doing it all over again but it came naturally. It was tough but I made it work. I made financial sacrifices. I could not be selfish because they all needed me. Working an 8-9 hour a day job and then going home to take care of a baby was not how I envisioned my life as my youngest was graduating from high school and headed to college. I look and think back on it now and chuckle because I really did that for nine months. My mom would help me with the baby which was a godsend but our relationship was fragile given the situation with my son. Every now and then she would tell me how she felt and we wouldn’t speak for a few days but we would always eventually put our issues aside for the sake of the baby.

Hate is a harsh thing. To hate someone is to have a passionate dislike for them. Why would people accuse me of making up the allegations against my son so I could have my granddaughter? Is it hate? Am I hated that much that people would say such an awful thing about me? Perhaps it’s evilness. Evilness is one who is morally wrong and wicked. Do they think I’m evil? I wish I knew but I’m not going harp on it or stress myself out over it. I’m not in their heads and I don’t know their thought process. The accusations are absolutely ludicrous and disturbing. I can understand people being upset with me for not keeping my mouth shut about what my son did because there are many mothers and families who don’t say anything about sexual abuse, child molestation, lewd acts with a child, etc. But to accuse me of something so vile is pretty damn extreme. Never would I falsely accuse my adult child of the worse thing he could ever do to a person. Never.

I’m beyond hurt over the accusations. I’m still a little angry about it but life is too short to be angry about something you cannot control. People can believe it if they wan’t but I don’t lose sleep over what others think of me. I know what I have and have not done. I will own something when I’m wrong. I apologize when I mess up. I admit my faults and wrongdoings. God knows my heart. You cannot lie to God. He knows all.

The forbidden topic

Unfortunately, many people do not want to believe that the act of child molestation exists, especially within our own families. It’s embarrassing, it’s unfathomable and it’s ludicrous to think that it’s happening. The ugly truth is that it does happen, more than we can ever imagine. So many look the other way because we don’t want to believe that our fathers, brothers, uncles, sons, other male relative or family friends could commit lewd acts upon a child and/or adolescent. I looked the other way because I didn’t know how to confront him. I was disgusted, appalled and shocked. I wanted to say something to him but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I grew up in a household where we did not communicate our thoughts or feelings with each other and it’s something I’ve  struggled with as a parent myself.  Even if I had confronted him, it would not have changed what was going on between him and his stepdaughter. Instead, I abruptly cut my visit short and flew back home to deal with it. I recall our very uncomfortable goodbye as he took my suitcase to the cab. He knew that I knew. The awkward silence was defeaning. I was too afraid to talk about it becaus I was a coward. I did not want him to be mad at me. I did not want that conversation to take place. I was one of the mothers we hear about who doesn’t want to acknowledge that forbidden topic.


When the unthinkable happens, it not only hurts the victim but the entire family. The anger, pain, hate, judgement, resentment and tears are immeasurable.  How do you move forward? Can you pray it away? Can you drink it away? Can you wish it away? It’s not going away. The only thing to do is face it head on and be strong. I want my son back and I have to be patient. IMG_0093

I am allowed to hope

This is the post excerpt.

This is my story and ongoing journey with my oldest son. My story will reflect on my upbringing, choices, sacrifices, mistakes and hardships. And how an ugly situation has broken our family more than it already was.  Even with all of the hurt and anger, I still have hope. I hope that my son and I can mend our relationship and be stronger and closer than ever. I hope that those who judged me the most can remove the hatred in their hearts and accept reality. I hope that my son will acknowledge what he has done and ask for forgiveness. I am allowed to hope……IMG_0099