The Accusations

Have you ever been accused of something so horrible that it’s hard to fathom? I hope not because let me tell you that it’s an awful thing. Especially when the accusation is that you hurt your own child. What I’m accused of doing to my oldest son would imply that I hate him or don’t care about it. It also implies that I’m a very selfish and evil person. I’m many things but I’m far from being evil and selfish. I love my son. I love him so much that I felt inclined to speak the truth about him even though it hurt like hell. No mother should ever have to face it. No mother should ever have to make that decision.

My son and granddaughter’s mother asked me to take care of her while things were up in the air. She wasn’t emotionally stable given the circumstance and he was in county jail so they gave me temporary custody of the baby. This was after her mother unexpectedly asked me a couple of months earlier to take care of her while she figures things out. I was caught off guard but didn’t think twice about it. They needed my help and she’s my granddaughter and I needed to do my part to help them out. Plus, I knew that I could provide stability for her during the unsettling times. I had to put my empty nester plans on hold while I helped raise a baby. Diapers, daycare and other baby essentials became the norm for me. I was doing it all over again but it came naturally. It was tough but I made it work. I made financial sacrifices. I could not be selfish because they all needed me. Working an 8-9 hour a day job and then going home to take care of a baby was not how I envisioned my life as my youngest was graduating from high school and headed to college. I look and think back on it now and chuckle because I really did that for nine months. My mom would help me with the baby which was a godsend but our relationship was fragile given the situation with my son. Every now and then she would tell me how she felt and we wouldn’t speak for a few days but we would always eventually put our issues aside for the sake of the baby.

Hate is a harsh thing. To hate someone is to have a passionate dislike for them. Why would people accuse me of making up the allegations against my son so I could have my granddaughter? Is it hate? Am I hated that much that people would say such an awful thing about me? Perhaps it’s evilness. Evilness is one who is morally wrong and wicked. Do they think I’m evil? I wish I knew but I’m not going harp on it or stress myself out over it. I’m not in their heads and I don’t know their thought process. The accusations are absolutely ludicrous and disturbing. I can understand people being upset with me for not keeping my mouth shut about what my son did because there are many mothers and families who don’t say anything about sexual abuse, child molestation, lewd acts with a child, etc. But to accuse me of something so vile is pretty damn extreme. Never would I falsely accuse my adult child of the worse thing he could ever do to a person. Never.

I’m beyond hurt over the accusations. I’m still a little angry about it but life is too short to be angry about something you cannot control. People can believe it if they wan’t but I don’t lose sleep over what others think of me. I know what I have and have not done. I will own something when I’m wrong. I apologize when I mess up. I admit my faults and wrongdoings. God knows my heart. You cannot lie to God. He knows all.

I ran away

DECD3E40-089E-46E9-A9BF-2CF4CDE0E2C5What should I have done?  I was disgusted and angry but I didn’t do or say anything about it. I went into the master bedroom with the baby and closed the door. My emotions were all over the place. I was so worried for the girl. I wanted to go back out and “save” her but I was too afraid to look. I paced and contemplated and after what seeme like eternity, I emerged from the master and went into the living room to watch TV.  I sat on the love seat and she sat on the sofa, still playing with the iPhone. I kept looking over at her trying to see if I saw anything in her eyes. I wanted her to say something to me but she was focused on the iPhone.  Shortly thereafter, he comes into the living room with the blanket that was on her bed and sat right next to her so they could both look at the iPhone. I’m wondering to myself, why are you sitting so close to her? He tells me that he’s letting her watch a movie on the iPhone. That was my opportunity to ask why he’s sitting so close to her but I just couldn’t do it. He draped the blanket over both of them and I’m getting more and more uncomfortable but try to focus on the television.  I glanced over a few times and could see his hand moving. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I couldn’t believe that he was doing this right in front of me. I was livid and finally jumped up and all I could muster up to say was “UGH.”  He got up from the sofa and went in to the hall bathroom. She was still on the sofa with the blanket draped over her. I went into the master and slammed the door. What was I going to do?  What was I going to say? Why? Why? Why? I couldn’t be there, in the same house with him so I got online and purchased a one way ticket back home. I didn’t care how much it cost, I wanted out of there. None of us acknowledged or spoke of what happened that night.

The following day was awkward. There was tension between he and I but we didn’t say a word about what transpired. I looked at his wife and wondered to myself, how could she not know? If he did that in front of his own mother, he would certainly do it around her as well. This is why I didn’t say anything to her. I figured she knew but turned the other way so why bother. I wanted to talk to the girl. I wanted to hear what she had to say. While my son and his wife went to Starbucks, I sat down with the girl and asked her if her dad does things to her. She told me that he touches her all of the time but she can’t say anything because it’s their secret. She told me that he buys her candy and let’s her eat pizza so she won’t tell her mom.  I told her that what he’s doing is wrong and she needs to tell an adult at school and she won’t get in trouble.  At the time, I tried to convince myself that I did my due diligence by telling her what she should do.  I was only fooling myself. I owed it to her to confront him.