I met his common law wife about 6-7 years ago when I was in California on a business trip. I made it a point to see him whenever I was there. She had two daughters from a previous relationship so I met them as well on that visit. At the time that of the visit, they were just dating but that evolved into living together and having a baby together. We kept in contact via text messages for the most part and our common bond was sports. We could talk sport day and night. We did not talk often but when we did, it was about sports or to catch up. He would also call me for money. He never held a steady job that I know of. He always managed to survive off of friends and women. Even though I dreaded sending a grown man money, I did it because he was my son and I didn’t want him to be “mad” at me. When he and a previous girlfriend got an apartment together, I visited with them and bought them some new furniture. I was happy that he had a stable place to live even though it was her who worked and paid the bills. I wanted him to do better but he had no desire to do so. For a short stint about eight years ago, he left California and moved in with me and his little brother. The condition was that he had to get a job because he was an adult. He got a job and I was happy about that. I encouraged him to get his GED and drivers license. I purchased the GED study materials for him and was going to pay for the test. I think he looked at the book once. I went to the DMV and got him the study materials for the written test but that did not pan out as well. My brother suggested to him that he should look into a trade such as a barber but nothing seemed to motivate him. He stayed with us about four months and abruptly went back to California. I was really hoping that he could get his GED and get his adult life going but it didn’t work out that way.
My family is the most judgemental and opinionated I know of. I’m sure there are some far worse than mine but damn. They are pretty harsh. Continue reading “Some background”
I’ve done many Internet searches trying to find answers. I will share the articles that made most sense to me and the situation. What Keeps Us From Talking About Sexual Abuse
A child I lived a life of innocence or so I thought I played with everyone or so I thought I was loved by all or so I thought I was protected forever or so I thought… Life was what the elders showed Path was what the siblings followed Life though troubled, was balanced still […]
via Darkness — Book Reviews by Shalini
I think and wonder what could I have done to prevent his behavior. They say a child is a product of their upbringing. I got pregnant at 19 and gave birth to him at 20 years old and of course that was a very bad thing in my parents eyes. My father always said that I ruined my athletic career and I could have done so much better in life. I was his star athlete who he poured his heart and soul into. My basketball career was done even though I probably could have pursued it, but I just did not have the support to do so. I was a young mother and had to take that responsibility head on. I enrolled in the local community college and would go to night classes sometimes with him in the baby carrier. His father and I married very briefly and it ended when he enlisted in the Navy without my knowledge and I was left to raise him alone for several years. I had no choice but to move back in with my parents which was hell. My father looked at me with disappointment in his eyes. My mother wouldn’t even look at me. We could all be in the same room and she would talk to everyone but me. I think she hated me for the young pregnancy and failed attempt at marriage. Even growing up, she wasn’t a nurturer. She was a working mother with 4 children so she was busy. Too busy perhaps to attend one of my many games or even acknowledge how gifted an athlete I was. I tell people, no matter what extracurricular activities or interests your child has PLEASE support them 100%. It means the world to them and will have an overwhelming affect on them in the long run. I really wished that we were closer.
I did the best that I could. I’ve always held a full-time job so I was always able to provide for my son. One day, my mother and I had a really bad argument. I can’t even recall what it was about but given our relationship, it could have been something very simple. She was so mad and was trying to punch me and my only response was to put my hands and arms up in defense mode. No matter how bad it was between us, there was no way that I was going to hit or physically harm her. During this exchange, she told me to get the hell out of her house which I did. Everyone silently looked on and said nothing as I packed our belongings in Hefty bags and drove off with my toddler son in tow. We had nowhere to go. I was hurt and and scared. We ended up sleeping in my car for 2 nights at a park. Then, came along a very nice gesture from a male friend. Back then, he was a youth minister and he said God told him to help us so he gave me a deposit to secure an apartment. The only thing I could afford at the time was a studio apartment in a not so nice area of Los Angeles but it was home for my son and I.
Unfortunately, many people do not want to believe that the act of child molestation exists, especially within our own families. It’s embarrassing, it’s unfathomable and it’s ludicrous to think that it’s happening. The ugly truth is that it does happen, more than we can ever imagine. So many look the other way because we don’t want to believe that our fathers, brothers, uncles, sons, other male relative or family friends could commit lewd acts upon a child and/or adolescent. I looked the other way because I didn’t know how to confront him. I was disgusted, appalled and shocked. I wanted to say something to him but I couldn’t bring myself to do so. I grew up in a household where we did not communicate our thoughts or feelings with each other and it’s something I’ve struggled with as a parent myself. Even if I had confronted him, it would not have changed what was going on between him and his stepdaughter. Instead, I abruptly cut my visit short and flew back home to deal with it. I recall our very uncomfortable goodbye as he took my suitcase to the cab. He knew that I knew. The awkward silence was defeaning. I was too afraid to talk about it becaus I was a coward. I did not want him to be mad at me. I did not want that conversation to take place. I was one of the mothers we hear about who doesn’t want to acknowledge that forbidden topic.
When the unthinkable happens, it not only hurts the victim but the entire family. The anger, pain, hate, judgement, resentment and tears are immeasurable. How do you move forward? Can you pray it away? Can you drink it away? Can you wish it away? It’s not going away. The only thing to do is face it head on and be strong. I want my son back and I have to be patient.
Almost three years ago, I discovered the unthinkable. Something no mother should ever have to endure. It’s an ugly truth that I wish would go away. It’s an ugly topic that most turn a blind eye to or sweep under the rug. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about my son, the situation and the repercussions. There are many questions as to why but many of them will remain unanswered. Not only because he won’t or cannot answer them but also because there’s no concrete or scientific answer or explanation. There are theories, studies, interviews and articles on the topic but each case is different. Each offender is different. But the outcome is the same; the sexual molestation or sexual abuse of a child. Characteristics Of Child Sexual Predators